TLDR: Listen Instead.
So this is where things get weird. And I mean actually weird, not just “Melvin’s been timing things again” weird.
Melvin came to me last week and said, “I need to tell you about the crows.” I was like, “Melvin, no. Not the crows.” But he was serious. Dead serious.
Apparently, there are crows living in the parking lot at Venice Barbershop. Not normal crows. These things are the size of chickens. Actual chickens. Melvin said he’s been seeing them for months but didn’t think anything of it until he started documenting their behavior, and that’s when he realized something was off.
Here’s the backstory: About a year ago, there was some kind of construction project near the courthouse (right next to us). They were doing something with the utilities or the infrastructure—Melvin wasn’t entirely clear on the details, but he said there were trucks, equipment, and a lot of digging. During that time, some kind of chemical or industrial runoff got into the area. Melvin thinks it might have contaminated the local bird population, specifically the crows.
The crows started showing up bigger and bigger over the course of months. At first, Melvin thought they were just different species of crows. But then he started measuring them. Using his phone. Against the parking lot lines. The average crow in this area is about 17 inches long. These parking lot crows? 24 to 28 inches. Some of them are pushing 30 inches.
I asked him if he was sure they were crows and not some other bird, and he said, “I’ve done research. They have the distinctive caw, the black feathers, the behavior patterns. They’re crows. Just… larger.” Which is not reassuring, by the way.
The weirdest part? These crows are smart. Melvin’s been watching them, and they’ve figured out how to open the dumpster behind the barbershop. They work together. One crow distracts while another one pries the lid open. They’re coordinated. They’re organized. They’re basically running a heist operation in our parking lot.
One customer asked Melvin about the giant crow that was staring at him through the window, and Melvin just said, “Yeah, that’s Gerald. He comes by every Tuesday around 2 p.m.” The customer left and never came back.
I asked Melvin why he didn’t mention this sooner, and he said, “Because I wanted to make sure I had enough data before I told you. I’ve been documenting their feeding patterns, their roosting locations, their social hierarchy. There are at least 7 of them, and they have a leader. I call him The King.”
Now I can’t stop looking at the parking lot. And yeah, there are definitely giant crows out there. They’re watching. They’re waiting. They’re probably planning something.
Melvin thinks they might be attracted to the barbershop because of the hair clippings. He said, “Hair is protein. They’re building nests. They need material.” So basically, we’ve accidentally created a breeding ground for mutant crows by cutting hair.
I told Melvin we should probably call someone about this, and he said, “And tell them what? That there are oversized crows in the parking lot? They’ll think you’re crazy.” He’s right. I would think I was crazy.
The good news? The crows haven’t caused any real problems. They’re just… there. Existing. Being 30 inches long and terrifying. Melvin’s actually kind of fond of them now. He brings them snacks sometimes. He’s named most of them.
Here’s What We’re Thinking
If you’re going to share a parking lot with giant crows, you might as well look sharp while you do it. That’s why we’re pushing Reuzel harder than ever—25% off all Reuzel products right now. Keep your hair looking fresh, your style locked in, and your confidence high when you’re walking past The King and his crew.
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Come by Venice Barbershop off US 41, next to the courthouse. Yes, there are giant crows in the parking lot. Yes, they’re real. No, we don’t know why. But your haircut will be impeccable, and you’ll look dapper walking past them. We’re the only walk-in barbershop offering hot lather shaves. Walk-ins welcome Tuesday–Friday 9am–6pm, Saturday 10am–2pm.
